I’m Sorry…. I Don’t Know What I’m Supposed To Do….

I don’t even really know where to begin…  I’m sorry that I have depression & anxiety issues – Sorry that I’m f**ked in the head!!!  I’m sorry that I’m a single Mom and that I can’t just produce a nanny, babysitter, friend or relative when he’s sick and has to stay home from school or be picked up from school.  I’m sorry that my son has special needs (ASD & SPD).  I’m sorry that sometimes I have to miss work due to my son being sick or due to my own mental and/or physical health reasons.  I am NOT perfect and I don’t think anyone is and therefore should NOT expect me to be.  Am I just supposed to quit my job, live on welfare & my son’s SSI and child support, just so I can be a full time Mom and not be a burden to anyone – like my job & my co-workers?  For instance, I went to work this morning and was going along doing what I needed to do and then I got a phone call from my son’s school saying that he was sick and running a fever and therefore I had to leave work and go pick him up.  Then I called my boss to tell her that I was trying to find a replacement for my shift tomorrow or for someone to watch my son…. And my boss got all pissy with me about me missing work for this and that and told me not to even worry about coming in to work tomorrow and that she would figure something out.  The way she was acting, I even asked if I would be on the schedule for next week and she said “yeah, but it probably won’t be for too many hours.”  Which of course made me feel really shitty, anxious and even more depressed.  I can’t help what my life is and consists of.  I’m sorry, I guess I’m just a f**k up or something.  Perhaps, I should’ve never been born.  It seems like my life has just been one big ball of shit these past few years….  I just want to be happy, for my son to be happy and to live well and support us both.  Is that really so much to ask for?  I’ve been really, really depressed for about the past month and my anxiety has more or less been off the charts.  I take my anti-depressants as directed (the dose was even doubled recently) and then there’s the Xanax that I’m prescribed for my anxiety – I am directed to take them 3 times a day, but as of recently I’ve been taking more than 3 a day….  I’d say somewhere between 4-6 a day.  I’ve fallen back to some self-destructing coping mechanisms.  And I’m not so happy about that either…  I just want to throw myself in my bed, pull the blankets over my head and cry myself to sleep and hope that things will be better when I wake up.  I swear, these past few years has just felt like one really bad nightmare – one after another.  And I’d like to wake up anytime now.  And now too, I want to make it perfectly clear that I have NO intention what-so-ever to end my life.  This is NOT a suicide post/letter.  Sometimes, I feel like that’s an option or solution, but I would NEVER leave my son.  No matter how bad things get, I will NEVER leave him.  I am just whining, bitching, and complaining while sitting on my pity potty.  And the fact that I just wish life didn’t suck so much!!!!  I love my son more than anything in this universe – but I hate my life.  If it weren’t for my son, I can almost assure you that I wouldn’t be here writing this post.  I wish I didn’t suffer from the following; severe depression, anxiety, migraines, chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, and agoraphobia.  I also wish that my son didn’t have high functioning Autism, Sensory Processing Disorder and anxiety (which I know he gets from me – cuz it runs in the family).  It’s so hard to find people that understand or even have a clue about how I feel or the things I think or try to explain.  I know life isn’t easy, perfect or fair  by any means.  I never expected it to be…  However, the life that I have at my age is certainly not what I expected it to be – at all.  I do often ask – “This is not the life I ordered, where can I get a refund?”  Kinda makes me laugh from time to time to just think how simple things would be if you could exchange your life for a new one – just like you would exchange a pair of shoes or whatever at the local dept. store.  Would kinda be weird, cuz who knows what you would end up with.  And too, I know that there are A LOT of people that have problems and a lot of them have far worse problems than mine.  Some people are hurting or struggling in ways I probably couldn’t even imagine or want to imagine.  I guess this is just more of a vent I guess than anything.  I just wish people knew what I was going through and could better understand the situations I am going through and living through.  I wish there was a “magic pill” that would cure me of all my ailments and my son of all of his.  And yes, I know….  “God only gave me this life because he knew I was strong enough to handle it” and “God will never give you more than you can handle” and “That which does not kill us only makes us stronger”  Well, if that last one is true, I should be like Hercules and be able to lift cars and buildings and so on.  Or at least that’s what I think….  Well, I think I’m done venting, bitching and whatever, so I guess I’ll end things here, for now.  Perhaps I’ll be back later for another vent.  Thanks for reading & listening.